No bacons

If you know anything about me, you will know I require egg meals in the weekends, Saturday through Sunday. The benedict is my go to, my staple, with all the bacons in the land and I know the best places in town to get such meals. But today I was taken somewhere for breakfast (at 1.30pm) where I have only dined for lunch. I was at the counter searching the menu for bene with bacons. Their only options were spinach or salmon. So naturally I thought to just make a special order for eggs bene with bacon. The man behind the counter then stated that it is a Jewish cafe with a Jewish menu and they do not serve bacon. This sentence came out as white noise in my ear holes, my vision was closing in and I even lost focus on the hundreds of small cakes dying to jump into my mouth at the slightest signal of approval. It is 1.30pm and all I require is an egg meal with approx half a sow worth of bacons. “We have pastrami!” The man spewed into my disbelieving face. Well what the fuck kind of substitute is that you awkward bodied wizard?!! What do I look like, a cold meats platter for breakfast kind of girl! I want burnt yet sweaty strips of fat piggy meat to mop up the golden tones of a poached virginal nugget.

I ordered the pastrami…..

bacon bra-thumb-560x407

Gag-able Words

gaggingI love the English language but there are some words in it that I cant stand. The way the mouth moves to form such words annoys the hell outta me. Just to name a few – Prawns, Bulb, Flannel, shellfish and quiche….But the worst of them all, the two worst words that are as equally disgusting together as they are apart – Nibbles and Refreshments. Even typing those words makes my skin crawl. Like watching George Cloony’s little Dad mouth move or Nicholas Cage’s whole face in any movie he has ever been in, I cant even say those words let alone look at them or write them down. If you put ‘nibbles and refreshments’ on an invite to your event, I wont come. People say ‘Moist’ and ‘Discharge’ are disgusting words, but to me they pale in comparison, I would eat those words for breakfast!

Chill out mate

I’m sorry ‘Rashi’ at Caltex but I don’t give a flying nut sack about your tattoos or your family for that matter. If I wanted to go and see your cousin Sanjeep at the local tat shop in Henderson to get my tribal or NZ map outline then I would have done so 10yrs ago like you did, in all your Craig David pencil beard, Ed Hardy rhinestone shirt and ankle biting cargo pant glory. Ps – your cologne smells like cat piss.

ed hardy

Sauna Etiquette

When you are in a sauna, sharing the sweltering space with what is usually one thousand sweaty dudes to approx two girls, it is inappropriate to talk about being a lawyer doing lawyer stuff at law firms and lawyer parties in lawyer parts of Auckland and their partners and clients and lawyer parts of New York and their partners and clients high brow law talk and all the other unbelievably boring shit that comes along with your boring law life.
When you put that shitty little suit on tomorrow boys, you will be just another law firm fuckwit going down on all those firms partners party clients and ill be living the high life with my brand new blog.