Today I…..

Bought a new car. 

Sat at several sets of lights in said new car next to Richard Branson who had a woman in his passenger seat dressed like princess Fiona from Srek.

Got drunk in the day time. 

Sprayed sparkling water over every surface of a taxi. 

Got yelled at by the taxi driver. 

Said Selamat Hari Raya to him. 

He yelled at me again (he’s not Muslim) 

Went home. 

Did some sleeps. 

The end.

Which Nespresso are you? 

Anyone else seen the Nespresso coffee pod menu and think it’s just miniature blurbs for dating apps?

“Exceptionally intense and syrupy”

“Powerful and contrasting”

“Sweet and light”

“Rich and full bodied”

“Powerful and spicy”

“Fruity and balanced”

“Floral and wild”

Which Nespresso are you?

Single Life Struggles 

My dating life at the moment is about as successful as when I matched with one of the dudes from Alt-j back when I had tinder and sent him the following opening message which got me unmatched instantly…. 

“Would you rather die by A: being stripped naked, rolled in honey and seeds then pecked to death by common park birds. Or B: ripped apart and eaten by a group of starved, depraved toddlers?” 

One of my many terrible opening lines. In hindsight, I guess a simple hello would have sufficed…