If you watch any of David Attenborough’s documentaries and don’t feel like you are literally letting down your own Grandfather every day that you are alive by not trying to save the planet, you are dead inside and cannot be saved.
Me: *wears ripped jeans*
Every man over the age of 40: “Have you got moths in your closet, there’s holes in your jeans!”
We all know those people who gasp loudly whilst looking at their phone, then say something like “ohhhhh my goddddd” really slowly and dramatically, then just wait for someone….ANYONE….to ask “what is it?!” While they still stand there going “nooo waaaay” with a smirk and a smile, for more dramtic affect. Then the news is revealed to always be about something they are trying to sound cool with and you have to pretend to be impressed and give a shit.
Don’t take the bait guys, it’s a super lame trap.
Isn’t it funny how in this day and age if someone’s mobile just goes straight to answer phone after a good few try’s of calling, you automatically think that something has happened, like they’re dead or had an accident and are trapped in a burning car saying their last words into an airbag.
The age of “I texted you 38 seconds ago, why have you not replied to me? I see you’ve been online”
I have this habit, actually I don’t even know if it’s a habit it’s just something I do, so I have this thing of sitting on the very edge of stuff, like chairs, benches and toilet seats, I never sit my full arse on anything unless I’m on a sofa. Perhaps it’s because I have a tiny butt and it does not meet the full requirements of possessing a built in cushion. Mine is more like you bought half a home-kill beast off some guy on a farm and tried to cut your own steaks from it, so perching for me is just fine.
I’ve been teetering on the edge of things my whole life with no worries at all, apart from maybe accidentally weeing on the floor a couple times from not sitting far enough back onto the toilet seat and my stream went through the little gap between the bowl and the lid (yes I cleaned up after myself) but other than that, no trouble has come of it until just the other day.
So I’m sitting at a restaurant having a bite for dinner alone because yes I am a loser but because I was hungry and naturally I was sitting on the very edge of my chair, causing it to stick out a little. As I was drinking my beer, a waitress came past and swiftly clipped my chair and in one less than graceful fell swoop the chair slipped out from underneath me, I threw my beer into my face and landed on my 1 minute steak butt hard onto the tiled floor.
The restaurant was packed, I was v embarrassed and that’s the end of my story.
Ok thanks bye.
Hi friends on the internet,
I wrote this piece below last night when I was drunk and literally don’t remember doing it. I unlocked my phone this morning and there it was. Not even one spelling mistake either. I was obviously in a deep internet black hole and realized that I hated everyone there.
I must say, I am infinitely better at writing when pissed. So here it is….
Omg I have so learnt to love the skin I am in because I am so insecure that my instagram only consists of half naked pictures of me but I have totally learnt to love my body even though I’m super photogenic and I definitely know it. I’m a part time full time model but I’ve just learnt to love myself but don’t forget to like my new post and check out my page because even though I’ve now got to the point that I’m super comfortable with my already perfect body I need validation from strangers on the internet to remind me that I’m better than everyone else. Validate me! Please and thank you! It would mean the world to me if you liked and commented on my photos! It gets me nowhere because afterall, everyone thinks I’m hot but I’m a total cunt. As long as I’m hot though right? Lol.
Has anyone ever held on to anything longer than Hulk Hogan has held on to having a handle bar moustache?