But will she learn her lesson?

I have this habit, actually I don’t even know if it’s a habit it’s just something I do, so I have this thing of sitting on the very edge of stuff, like chairs, benches and toilet seats, I never sit my full arse on anything unless I’m on a sofa. Perhaps it’s because I have a tiny butt and it does not meet the full requirements of possessing a built in cushion. Mine is more like you bought half a home-kill beast off some guy on a farm and tried to cut your own steaks from it, so perching for me is just fine.

I’ve been teetering on the edge of things my whole life with no worries at all, apart from maybe accidentally weeing on the floor a couple times from not sitting far enough back onto the toilet seat and my stream went through the little gap between the bowl and the lid (yes I cleaned up after myself) but other than that, no trouble has come of it until just the other day.

So I’m sitting at a restaurant having a bite for dinner alone because yes I am a loser but because I was hungry and naturally I was sitting on the very edge of my chair, causing it to stick out a little. As I was drinking my beer, a waitress came past and swiftly clipped my chair and in one less than graceful fell swoop the chair slipped out from underneath me, I threw my beer into my face and landed on my 1 minute steak butt hard onto the tiled floor.

The restaurant was packed, I was v embarrassed and that’s the end of my story.

Ok thanks bye.

Internet black hole

Hi friends on the internet,

I wrote this piece below last night when I was drunk and literally don’t remember doing it. I unlocked my phone this morning and there it was. Not even one spelling mistake either. I was obviously in a deep internet black hole and realized that I hated everyone there.

I must say, I am infinitely better at writing when pissed. So here it is….

Omg I have so learnt to love the skin I am in because I am so insecure that my instagram only consists of half naked pictures of me but I have totally learnt to love my body even though I’m super photogenic and I definitely know it. I’m a part time full time model but I’ve just learnt to love myself but don’t forget to like my new post and check out my page because even though I’ve now got to the point that I’m super comfortable with my already perfect body I need validation from strangers on the internet to remind me that I’m better than everyone else. Validate me! Please and thank you! It would mean the world to me if you liked and commented on my photos! It gets me nowhere because afterall, everyone thinks I’m hot but I’m a total cunt. As long as I’m hot though right? Lol.

Seen more ass than an airport toilet…

Don’t ever contemplate too long about how the ‘designers’ of the fabric used for the seats on the tube had a brief which went something along the lines of…. design a pattern that disguises millions of people’s ass filth and will stand the test of time yet represent the city we live in.

I’ll help you rent your place out….

The real estate agent letting the flat I’m in brought a whole group of people over to view it tonight because I am moving out soon, of which I forgot was happening. So a key goes in the door, 7 people swiftly walk in and there I am, lying on the couch watching prison documentaries in my undies and a shitty old singlet with no bra on eating dinner off a plate that is resting on my chest spooning it into my mouth so I didn’t have to lift my head too far off the cushion.

I emailed the agent to apologize.

He hasn’t replied….