I start work at 5am and I have my first breakfast – I will have a second breakfast around 8am where you may notice that I never order a side of your judgement to go with it, what I need is a hot cup of support for my ability to consume large amounts of food every few hours.
When you are upset and cry about something, then you think of another sad thing so you cry about that, then you remember something else sad so cry about that then so on and so forth.
Brought to you by Katie Jones
Guys, I just found out that I have my first ‘condition’. I have ACHOO (no shit). You may also find that you have the same thing and always thought it was normal. Well the good news is, that it’s not. We are unique! And if you have heard my sneeze before then you’ll know I am doubling down on the uniqueness.
“The photic sneeze reflex (also known as photoptarmosis, Autosomal Dominant Compelling Helio-Ophthalmic Outburst Syndrome (ACHOO) and colloquially sun sneezing) is a condition that causes variable difficulty to control sneezing in response to numerous stimuli, such as looking at bright lights (i.e. The sun)”
Kiaora to that 🙌🏽
When tone deaf people whistle or try to sing to music, I’m like, that’s great honey but can you shut the fuck up? You’re ruining the song, do that in the privacy of your own car, thanks.
It’s so difficult to just turn up with a coffee for someone these days. You have to ring ahead for any soy-decaf-almond milk-chai-hot water on the side-coconut milk-cinnamon not chocolate orders, taking the surprise out of a nice gesture.
To the very attractive dude on the tube this morning,
We both got on in Brixton about 1030, you sat opposite me and we checked each other out many times but every time you looked at me I went bright red and looked at the floor. I couldn’t even crack a smile my heart was racing. You were wearing a striped singlet, an actual nice pair of track pants, tan suede Nike high-tops and carrying a hoodie. We both changed at Piccadilly and very coincidentally were both going eastbound. As we stood awkwardly on the platform, exchanging glances I was too much of a sad loser to just say hello so I hid behind a group of Asian tourists, as we got on the train in different carriages, I got off at Piccadilly Circus and looked back to see you already looking at me.
I will forever be looking for you in the streets dude on the tube, and I hope we awkwardly share a platform together again one day…
Red faced loser from Brixton
#rushhourcrush #metronewspaper #spreadthelove #tubecrush
I always go to bed at a very sensible time every night, play on my phone for a bit then turn in for some for some sleeps. And nearly every single night when I am juuuuust drifting off, I have an idea of something to write about pop into my head or I get some ridiculous flash back memory from my childhood, of which I remember virtually nothing about every waking moment of my life otherwise, only when I'm half asleep. And if I don't write this shit down it completely disappears back into the abyss forever.
I'm choosing to write down tonight's flashback because it was definitely a glimpse into my future even then…
Picture fat, blonde 6 year old me, I had an overweight, black guinea pig called Shadow, I had jammed Barbie shoes on his tiny feet, put a flouncy scrunchie around his neck (it didn't choke him don't worry) and put a skirt around his middle that I had stripped off a teddy bear. Slotted him into an adjustable length plastic roller skate filled with clovers (his favourite food) so he would just feed his fat face and stay in the skate while I pushed him up and down the drive way. I was wearing just a pair of undies and a jumper with a picture on the front of penguins in Antarctica and "there's no business like snow business" written across the front. It was my favourite jumper. I still wouldn't see actual snow for a few decades to come.