People around me are always talking about the house they just bought and the engagement rings that just got planted on their fingers, or the babies being made and I’m just sitting there like, mate I had a dream last night that the factory which makes my favourite shampoo burnt down and I’m still feeling weird about it, can we just talk about that for a minute?
Have you ever had that moment when you get up off the toilet and a bug flies out of nowhere and you think for a second – “did that just fly out of my butt?”
Wears glasses for one day….
“Shit I actually need these. I should wear them more often”
*carries them around in handbag for another year*
Repeat yearly until you die.
Woo hoo! Pay day!
*looks at account*
“Wtf is this, the bank of invisible money???!!”
Repeat weekly until you die.
My g-string is on backwards – gives new meaning to fairy floss….
When you nearly drop your phone and do a fumble catch just before it falls to its death then you look around in triumph that you saved your phones life like it was a baby being thrown from a burning building, then realise that no one else cares.
Being single is great because I don’t have to justify to anyone why I had popcorn stuck to my back when I got out of bed this morning.