Vegans, seriously. STFU

Me in cafe standing next to dog: “Your dog is super cute! Little wiry man! What breed is he?”

Dog owner: “He’s a whippet cross with a (I couldn’t hear the last part)”

Me: “I have never seen a poochie like him before!”

Dog owner: “These breeds are typically rat and rabbit hunters”

Me: “Ohh ok cool. Well that’s handy?!”

Dog owner: “I’m a vegan” *followed by death stare*

Me: “Ummmm” (thinks in my head….What the fuck has that got to do with the price of bread you weird weirdo. I’m talking about your dog. Oh, you’re a vegan so it’s in your blood to tell everyone you meet at any given opportunity!!!)

Collects coffee and leaves dreaming of bacon….

How to care for a sad person.

If you have a sad person in your life, follow these 10 simple steps to them cheer up.

1. Lay blanket out

2. Pick up sad person

3. Lay sad person in blanket

4. Roll them up like sushi

5. Place sad roll on bed/couch/comfy area

6. Hug roll close

7. Put on rolls favourite movies

8. Feed roll snacks

9. Make sure roll is well hydrated (tears make roll dehydrated)

10. You have made a happy little sushi roll


M&M world championships 

When I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two M&Ms in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one cracks, I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn’t crack becomes the champion. Then I grab another M&M and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of M&M gladiators. I do this until I run out of M&Ms and when there is only one left standing, I send a letter to M&Ms brand with the champion M&M in it with a note attached that reads: “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes”
Can someone go down the shop and buy me a bag of M&M’s please?