My g-string is on backwards – gives new meaning to fairy floss….

When you nearly drop your phone and do a fumble catch just before it falls to its death then you look around in triumph that you saved your phones life like it was a baby being thrown from a burning building, then realise that no one else cares.

Being single is great because I don’t have to justify to anyone why I had popcorn stuck to my back when I got out of bed this morning.

So today I learnt that I have been using the term “a sight for sore eyes” incorrectly my entire life…..

I have been using it as a term to say that someone looks like shit, or anything along those lines. But today it was said to me as a term of endearment.

Please tell me I am not alone in using this term the way I have?

MIND BLOWN.

While people are out with their friends. having boyfriends, buying houses and being all round good adults I’m just sat at home in my undies on a Saturday night worried about the repercussions on my body that the McDonalds around the corner will have after re opening from recent renovations….

I don’t often look at my bank statements but tonight I had a scroll through to remind myself that I use Uber way too much and spend over half my wages on food and alcohol – nothing new there but I noticed £10 a month had been exiting my account for the last 3 months.

Turns out I adopted an orangutan called Jumbo when I was drunk one night and all the emails about him when to my junk mail. Probably the best decision I ever made whilst off my tits.