Portalusional – when a portaloo is so hot that while you are in there you get disoriented and delusional and think the whole thing is moving while you’re in it.

The other day I went and mooched around Selfridges, not to buy anything but just for a looksee as sometimes I do. I had completed said mooching and had made my way back down to the ground floor where I full blown front bumped into someone because I was looking down at my phone and he wasn’t looking either. The collision caused me to drop my phone and immediately we both started apologising to each other. He asked if I was ok, grabbing my arm in concern, so I grabbed his arm in equal concern and said I was fine and questioned his well-being too as I’m pretty sure I head butted him a little bit. Then within a flash another man was grabbing the arm I was holding my phone in and said “hey move aside! Stop taking photos! Stop taking photos!” Then just like that, as my collision partner was still holding eye contact with me, he got whisked away in a bundle of massive dudes and the general public.

I stood there slightly stunned for a moment then carried on out to find a lunch spot. As I got outside I paused on the pavement a moment to google “black rapper spotted in London” (because I am an ignorant white woman who is most certainly not up with the play on a lot of pop culture and the people of now) So, I am sorry Cardi B, but I titty bumped your husband on the marble floors of a department store in London in front of loads of people and I first thought it was ASAP Rocky but remembered he was in a Swedish jail.

#LIFE