The real estate agent letting the flat I’m in brought a whole group of people over to view it tonight because I am moving out soon, of which I forgot was happening. So a key goes in the door, 7 people swiftly walk in and there I am, lying on the couch watching prison documentaries in my undies and a shitty old singlet with no bra on eating dinner off a plate that is resting on my chest spooning it into my mouth so I didn’t have to lift my head too far off the cushion.
I emailed the agent to apologize.
He hasn’t replied….
Today on the tube my entire bun of hair got caught in the doors from one stop to the next, which is only a few minutes but my hair’s whole life went flashing before my eyes and I was mentally preparing to be scalped as the train jerked around on the tracks, I stayed awkwardly glued to the doors, pretending that absolutely nothing was wrong, just hoping I come out unscathed. Thankfully my life and my hair was spared, but the same can not be said for my social anxiety.
Do you ever get signature fright? Like when someone hands me something to sign and they’re watching me, I start off confident then it quickly trails off into some ridiculous scribble that doesn’t even remotely resemble my real signature. Then you get anxious that the person who’s watching you is thinking ‘wtf is that?’
Guys! Guys! Ok so it’s not a life hack at all, I just had to reel you in somehow.
Now, don’t judge me but I am a little bit drunk whilst I write this. BUT, I was just emailing the cleaning company that I use to clean my house because I’m a lazy bitch an cannot be arsed cleaning soap scum off the shower door myself, just letting them know that my cleaner needs to up her game coz quite frankly, she sucks and I ain’t paying for a no clean, cleaner.
ANYWAY. I typed in their email address but the first letter of it was in capital letters – automatic keyboard set up when you start writing anything in digital format obvs. I pressed send and off it went, then I realized! Shit, the first letter was a capital i better put it in lowercase and then it will send.
They emailed back and the chain of emails was there and I saw I had sent the email twice.
THE CAPITAL LETTER EMAIL HAD SENT!
Moral of the story is – email addresses aren’t case sensitive.
I realize that you probably all know this already and I’m just slow.
You know when you make dinner for one and there is leftovers so you put them in a container to cool on the bench before you put in the fridge, then just end up eating the entire second meal of left overs while you do the dishes like the fat greedy bitch that you are?
Well 2018 has finally arrived, where we thought we’d be in flying cars and living in space by now. But here we are, employing a failed real estate agent to be the boss of a country, we are still figuring out how to not be assholes to each other all the while being total assholes to the planet that made our very assholes in the first place. That’s a lot of assholery.
But anyway, back to me. I had a year! An entire year of consciousness, unconsciousness and whatever the fuck happens in between. I’m not one for inspirational quotes so I won’t give you any, but my year was rung in by dancing my face off in a fancy establishment in Marrakech with champagne and confetti then riding back to our Riad in a taxi with my friend vomiting into a fez. So without having tacky new year resolutions because I never stick to them anyway (apart from the one I made about tomatoes – ask me later) this year I’m just gonna try and not get too fat, do more yoga so I can touch my toes when I’m 80, tick more countries and city’s off the list, try to keep being employed to make movies for you fuckers to watch, continue to obsess over animals, try not to die, and just carry on writing absolute bullshit for no one to read. All achievable I think? Apart from the one thing I left off that list…. to find me a quality man friend life buddy. HA!! Just kidding, I’ll start gathering cats this year.
So be kind out there kids, don’t kill anyone and if you have struggled your way through my blog this past year then my sincere apologies.
Me, thinking to myself…
“These Facebook algorithms are getting really personal at the moment…. my feed is all just people having babies, getting engaged and married”
“Yeah, because that’s what people do at your age you fucking loser”
Me, thinking to myself
“I’ll just click here to hide those ads, it’s a bit much”
*realizes they aren’t ads*
Then me and inner me meet….