Portalusional – when a portaloo is so hot that while you are in there you get disoriented and delusional and think the whole thing is moving while you’re in it.
The other day I went and mooched around Selfridges, not to buy anything but just for a looksee as sometimes I do. I had completed said mooching and had made my way back down to the ground floor where I full blown front bumped into someone because I was looking down at my phone and he wasn’t looking either. The collision caused me to drop my phone and immediately we both started apologising to each other. He asked if I was ok, grabbing my arm in concern, so I grabbed his arm in equal concern and said I was fine and questioned his well-being too as I’m pretty sure I head butted him a little bit. Then within a flash another man was grabbing the arm I was holding my phone in and said “hey move aside! Stop taking photos! Stop taking photos!” Then just like that, as my collision partner was still holding eye contact with me, he got whisked away in a bundle of massive dudes and the general public.
I stood there slightly stunned for a moment then carried on out to find a lunch spot. As I got outside I paused on the pavement a moment to google “black rapper spotted in London” (because I am an ignorant white woman who is most certainly not up with the play on a lot of pop culture and the people of now) So, I am sorry Cardi B, but I titty bumped your husband on the marble floors of a department store in London in front of loads of people and I first thought it was ASAP Rocky but remembered he was in a Swedish jail.
So last weekend I went to my local bar around 5pm and while my friend is getting us a drink I go to the bathroom, which is unisex, where I instantly hear some strange noises coming from one of the cubicles. I look at the lady who’s washing her hands at the basin, raise my eyebrows with a cheeky grin and say “bit early to be banging in the toilets don’t you think?”. The lady looks at me with an offended grimace and says “that’s my friend changing her babies nappy”
Cool Katie Jones, cool….
If you watch any of David Attenborough’s documentaries and don’t feel like you are literally letting down your own Grandfather every day that you are alive by not trying to save the planet, you are dead inside and cannot be saved.
Me: *wears ripped jeans*
Every man over the age of 40: “Have you got moths in your closet, there’s holes in your jeans!”
We all know those people who gasp loudly whilst looking at their phone, then say something like “ohhhhh my goddddd” really slowly and dramatically, then just wait for someone….ANYONE….to ask “what is it?!” While they still stand there going “nooo waaaay” with a smirk and a smile, for more dramtic affect. Then the news is revealed to always be about something they are trying to sound cool with and you have to pretend to be impressed and give a shit.
Don’t take the bait guys, it’s a super lame trap.
Isn’t it funny how in this day and age if someone’s mobile just goes straight to answer phone after a good few try’s of calling, you automatically think that something has happened, like they’re dead or had an accident and are trapped in a burning car saying their last words into an airbag.
The age of “I texted you 38 seconds ago, why have you not replied to me? I see you’ve been online”