Guys! Guys! Ok so it’s not a life hack at all, I just had to reel you in somehow.
Now, don’t judge me but I am a little bit drunk whilst I write this. BUT, I was just emailing the cleaning company that I use to clean my house because I’m a lazy bitch an cannot be arsed cleaning soap scum off the shower door myself, just letting them know that my cleaner needs to up her game coz quite frankly, she sucks and I ain’t paying for a no clean, cleaner.
ANYWAY. I typed in their email address but the first letter of it was in capital letters – automatic keyboard set up when you start writing anything in digital format obvs. I pressed send and off it went, then I realized! Shit, the first letter was a capital i better put it in lowercase and then it will send.
They emailed back and the chain of emails was there and I saw I had sent the email twice.
THE CAPITAL LETTER EMAIL HAD SENT!
Moral of the story is – email addresses aren’t case sensitive.
I realize that you probably all know this already and I’m just slow.
I have a hate/hate/love relationship with dating app’s, I have been on and off them ( Tinder and Bumble) for the last two years. Its such a fucked up world in there where you try to sell yourself in a perfectly curated (some not so perfect, hence the reason for this blog post) set of photos, and a little blurb where most people write a mini collection of shit they like and don’t like and how tall they are. Thats your base to judge your immediate feelings towards that person in a matter of seconds and swipe yes or no, thats it. Of course, most people know how dating apps work nowadays even if they don’t have one themselves so I really don’t need to explain it to you, but as I have just recently re downloaded a dating app and deleted it AGAIN within a few weeks I feel like I need to cauterize the online dating wound once and for all and reinforce the fact that it is just not for me – I FUCKING HATE IT AND SWEAR TO NEVER DOWNLOAD IT AGAIN. You heard it here first kids!
I’d like to celebrate going into to 2018 sans dating apps, with a fresh hope that some poor bastard in the real world will ask me out to my face and eventually want to be my boyfriend (apologies in advance to this person) So to kick it off I am going to show you a collection of some of the finest men I have found during my online dating journey. Note: I have not dated any of these guys, I have just come across them and taken screenshots for further lolling and sharing amongst group chats as girls do. I will try to hide identities as much as I can with crude MS Paint type colouring in skills and I just hope no one whinges about me posting these!
Here we go…
London 2016 – First up we have what I can only think of is a “what happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand expect I got my face tattooed on Khaosan Road” type situation. It must be real because he had it in all his photos in various different life situations. I have often wondered what possesses men to do things and this case is no different…..
So thats the first instalment of….of…..just thinking what to call it…..
I don’t know, its just the first instalment of whatever the fuck I just wrote.
You know when you make dinner for one and there is leftovers so you put them in a container to cool on the bench before you put in the fridge, then just end up eating the entire second meal of left overs while you do the dishes like the fat greedy bitch that you are?
Well 2018 has finally arrived, where we thought we’d be in flying cars and living in space by now. But here we are, employing a failed real estate agent to be the boss of a country, we are still figuring out how to not be assholes to each other all the while being total assholes to the planet that made our very assholes in the first place. That’s a lot of assholery.
But anyway, back to me. I had a year! An entire year of consciousness, unconsciousness and whatever the fuck happens in between. I’m not one for inspirational quotes so I won’t give you any, but my year was rung in by dancing my face off in a fancy establishment in Marrakech with champagne and confetti then riding back to our Riad in a taxi with my friend vomiting into a fez. So without having tacky new year resolutions because I never stick to them anyway (apart from the one I made about tomatoes – ask me later) this year I’m just gonna try and not get too fat, do more yoga so I can touch my toes when I’m 80, tick more countries and city’s off the list, try to keep being employed to make movies for you fuckers to watch, continue to obsess over animals, try not to die, and just carry on writing absolute bullshit for no one to read. All achievable I think? Apart from the one thing I left off that list…. to find me a quality man friend life buddy. HA!! Just kidding, I’ll start gathering cats this year.
So be kind out there kids, don’t kill anyone and if you have struggled your way through my blog this past year then my sincere apologies.
Me, thinking to myself…
“These Facebook algorithms are getting really personal at the moment…. my feed is all just people having babies, getting engaged and married”
“Yeah, because that’s what people do at your age you fucking loser”
Me, thinking to myself
“I’ll just click here to hide those ads, it’s a bit much”
*realizes they aren’t ads*
Then me and inner me meet….
Let’s face it, buying Christmas presents gets very expensive and the pressure to spend a lot of money on stuff we don’t really need is turned up full notch year after year. Why not do something different this year and literally change someone’s life with the things you purchase? CHOOSE LOVE – in store and online, whatever you buy at Choose Love goes directly to refugees across Europe and the Middle East and the items for sale cover every part of a refugees journey from arrival to setting up a new life. Items start at £6.60 or you can buy every single item available for £499.
Why not get everyone at your work place to pitch in a few bucks and buy a whole bunch of things? Hell, why not buy the lot! Why not buy one item ‘for’ each of your family members and give them the gift of knowing someone in need was helped in some way.
Something to think about this Christmas holidays, knowing that others are simply just trying to live.
We know that stalking our ex on social media is ALWAYS a bad idea yet in moments of weakness we all do it right? Last night I was super restless and couldn’t sleep so after a heavy sesh of watching videos of hamsters playing basketball and posting letters in miniature mailboxes I began to feel nostalgic for fuck knows what reason but I decided to look him up. I’ve been pretty damn good at not doing this with ‘him’ as it was a painful relationship and a painful break up so I blocked and deleted him from my life immediately and was very strong about it all. But it’s been about 3 years now and perhaps it’s because I have just begun to embark on something new that I reflect on the past or maybe I just want to know what that little prick is up to and kill myself in a lengthy session of stalking level 100?
(edit* the ‘new’ thing I was embarking on has dumped me already so now I guess I just want to know what the old bastard is up to, no reflection here!)
Of course he is with one of the girls he cheated on me with and has been since our bed was still warm from me being in it, they own a dog together and live in a nice flat back in New Zealand as one happy little family, traveling often and putting up loads of couple shots (with the dog of course). They look happy, and while I had pangs of pain from putting myself through an extensive amount of torture wading through the black hole of the internet, I felt happy for them too…….
For all of 5 seconds then ordered a bottle of wine on Deliveroo and ate a family sized pack of mixed deli meats in bed.
**googles – “is getting meat drunk actually a thing?”**