Tonight I realised I am becoming British because I made a cup of tea and forgot about it, then drank it cold really quickly coz I had to go to sleep.
When you cut yourself shaving in the shower, the blood mixes with the water and turns into the fucking red river nile, you think for a second “is this how it’s going to end? Naked in the shower with a god damn hello kitty shower cap on? What have I done to deserve this”
Today I walked into the bathroom and entered the large disabled cubicle, I had already undone my belt and pants before I got in there so just promptly sat down and began, as I looked up I saw the door to the cubicle swing wide open – I hadn’t locked it properly and it was too far out of my reach to close it now. I sat there looking into the mirrors directly in front of me which gave me a perfect view of the door, dicing with death, nervously preparing a speech, just waiting for someone to walk in and be startled by my seemingly deliberate act of exposure.
Today I lived life on the edge.
Happy Friday everyone
My yoga practice is often restricted by my fat getting in the way, so I try and push it about so I can deepen my poses but it firmly sticks like peanut butter to the roof of a cats mouth. You try and try to get it off but it stays so you give up and just live with it stuck there, forever, until you die.
People around me are always talking about the house they just bought and the engagement rings that just got planted on their fingers, or the babies being made and I’m just sitting there like, mate I had a dream last night that the factory which makes my favourite shampoo burnt down and I’m still feeling weird about it, can we just talk about that for a minute?
Have you ever had that moment when you get up off the toilet and a bug flies out of nowhere and you think for a second – “did that just fly out of my butt?”
Wears glasses for one day….
“Shit I actually need these. I should wear them more often”
*carries them around in handbag for another year*
Repeat yearly until you die.