I enjoy words. I love and hate them. I like the way some sound and how they feel in my mouth when I say them, and others I cant fucking stand. I have talked about this before but I just wanted to explain the title for this mega boring blog post.

SHAMBOLIC.

Great one huh? I like to learn new words so when I am conversing with people I can throw in cool words to make me sound intelligent and interesting. I thought of the word shambolic today after an interesting beauty salon treatment experience, it sort of summed up the whole thing quite nicely and I left not just with a quizzical, what the fuck just happened’ kinda look on my face but a little fist pump at my new word.

Anyway, so the house needed a spruce up… A bit of a South American lawn tidy, taking the old girl to the hairdressers. I didn’t book an appointment at my normal salon, I’m on a budget at the moment and I cant part with 55 bones just for a wax, so whilst I was doing some life admin in town I popped into a little Asian nail spa/beauty salon advertising Brazilian waxes for $30. BARGIN! Herein lies the mistake, if I was going for a little manicure pedicure type scenario I would most certainly go to a salon such as this for a cheap deal, but when it comes to maintenance of the pink secret, one should NEVER go for the cheap option as I have now learnt the hard way.

As you ladies reading this will know, you are shown into the treatment room then you are left alone, door shut to remove your pants and undies, lie on the table with a wee towel over your parts for modesty then the beauty therapist will knock and enter the room after a few minutes, and you get down to business whilst making fine chat about the weather and celebrities. I was shown into a partitioned off area of the salon where there were three little beds set up. Both occupied by ladies having shit done – one a leg wax and the other something to do with the hair on her face being tidied up/removed. The beds weren’t sectioned off and the lady motioned for me to get undressed and up onto the bed. I have absolutely no quarms whatsoever about getting undressed in front of other women so I removed my pants and undies and hopped on up. My legs were spread any which way the little Thai lady could fold them to get into my ‘area’, and I was starting to get a little funny about the fact that any or all of these woman could see my very soul from the angles I was in if they so much as looked a few centimetres sideways from where they were.

I raised the alarm with my therapist and she said loudly “Ohhh miss you hab very nice youseful waagina, it ok. I dont mind it for everybody but if you feel not happy about dis we will hiding your beautipul lady! He he he he” And at that point, EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM LOOKED OVER AT ME. My face filled with burning redness, the other clients got awkward about the exposed display and vaginal compliment, the Thai ladies loved it and all at once while she was cackling away, she slapped on the first dollop of hot wax at a temperature to rival the surface of the sun. She let that cool down before ripping it off taking one epidermal layer with it, and walked out of the room leaving me exposed with an audience, she came ambling back in a few minutes later with a stand-up floor fan, here I was thinking she was being a bit cute and thought to cool my embarrassment off. But no, she just used that as a strategically placed partition to shield my fanny with a completely see-through item of furniture….its the thought that counts right?

A few too many patches of burnt ripped off skin thrown in the bin with wax strips, my dignity, and ability to walk properly have all been left in the lions den of cheap deals and broken dreams, as I hobbled out with talcum powder running down my legs looking like I was smuggling coke in my undies from a Thai drug dealer out back the ‘Salon’

I will heal, my crotch and pride will heal….my bank account isn’t crying….but my god I will never do that to my beloved Apricot again!!!